(Note from Arlin: Reader discretion is advised. The Minute is for 18+ only... Also, this is written by someone from the vlogs, but it's not Arlin. Guesses to who the author is are welcome in the comments)
Happy Thanksgiving. With this wonderfully arbitrary holiday that simply serves to indulge the unwavering gluttony of the American people (don’t misread this- I love the gluttony) I am writing these words to make an announcement. I am going to start a daily newsletter of sorts, but one that pays very little concern to the actual news. Instead, I am going to write a newsletter within which will contain anything and everything that I find interesting, mind-boggling, or insufferable. Now, why would you care what I think about anything? You do not know who I am nor have I given you any clues as to who I might be. I think for now I’m going to stick with a pen name, which would work out quite well had I thought of one. I have no such name, thus today’s edition of the Minute will not have an author. Evidently there is someone on the other side of the screen who has written the words you are currently reading, but for all you know, I could be your sister. Or your mom. I don’t really care. Pick an entity that you are satisfied with, and pretend that this person you have chosen is the one writing this. As for why you would care what your nameless author is concerned with, I couldn’t really tell you. These installments will try to be humorous and informative, and I promise that they will never be politically correct. Think of this as an active critique on anything and everything. If such a thing interests you, be my guest and keep reading. If you don’t care, then kindly fuck off.
Moving on from introductions, I have a bone to pick with one of America’s greatest industry leaders. Enough with the bullshit, it’s time to talk porn. Not an obscure idiom, but it’s time we discussed one the most pressing pornographic problems presented to us in today’s digital age. Family porn. What the fuck is the deal with this stuff? And Why is it everywhere? First off, for those who don’t know and have never wondered, let’s get a couple things straight. For the record, get off your high horse if your still reading this and are completely disgusted with me. Like, honestly, get the fuck over yourself. 98% of this great nation masturbate at least once a week, and the other 2% are cowardly liars. Ladies, guys jerk off. A lot. If you haven’t figured that out by now, then you are either seriously disillusioned about the sex drive of your male compatriots, or you grew up with Laura Ingalls Wilder in a shack on the great plains. And Ladies, don’t act like you don’t make time for yourselves either. The global sex toy industry is predicted to jump by another 6 perent or so by 2020, and I promise that jump isn’t being carried on the back of pocket pussy sales. I got two hands and a mouth, why do I need a fleshlight? (wait…what?) Anyways, for those who don’t madly rub their genitalia every 12 to 14 hours, just know that there is a ton, and I mean A TON, of weird family fantasy porn populating the interwebs these days. But I have a theorem. Read on and become educated. Or don’t—like I said at the beginning, I really could care less what you think, but I definitely care what I think.
I could almost get behind the idea when it was one or two videos that would occasionally pop-up in my search to jerk-it, but now, it has become inescapable! Every single time I log onto a porn site these days (yeah, log on. I might be known to be a bit jewish with my income, but c’mon lads. We got 17 year olds putting things in places that things should never go. Give the chick a dollar so she can re-enroll in who-the-fuck-cares U and let her get her communications degree.) it is everywhere! What sad group of you fucks in middle America (or side America, I don’t know where you live) has searched for “Step-mom teaches daughter…” so many times that pornhub’s algorithms automatically displays some taboo family porn on the front page every single damn time. Yo, Feras Antoon (1. Apparently this dude owns the hub. 2. Wtf kinda name is Feras Antoon.) check yo’ damn algorithms. But maybe- maybe our boy Feras is right. Like, maybe there really are that many more people trying to find some kinda brother-sister porn. In that case, America has a way bigger problem. It isn’t the orange monkey currently pretending to pull political strings in Washington, no, our country’s problem is our desire to fuck our own family memebers. Weird, how after like 5 centuries of that we decided it was a bad call, and now all of sudden that’s the hot new trend? I don’t get it. Is everyone turning into a Neanderthal in front of my very eyes??!! Maybe not a Neanderthal, but it certainly seems that we are regressing. Let’s blame it on Trump. Like fuck, the dude’s daughter is an absolute smoke show, while his wife is a rocket who would probably fuck her secret service guards if she could ad lib her own sentences in the English language and not read off of a prompter 24/7. It’s like the first family is the perfect mold for a taboo family porn video. Picture it now: They are eating breakfast. The Donald leaves to go have his hair inserted for the morning. While this happens, Melania somehow spills syrup in a messy and unrealistic manner all over Ivanka, who is wearing a white pencil dress. Fast forward to skip the lame makeout scene, and suddenly Ivanka, Melania, and Jared and are in the west wing fucking each other’s brains out while the baboon watches from the closet. “Aw gross don’t talk about that!” Yeah ok guy. Shut up. Tell me you wouldn’t jerk off to that. Maybe not the last part, but personally I’d give a quarter of my left testicle (never the right) to see Ivanka get a bottle of grade A Vermont maple syrup poured on her head. And tits. But, that’s just me.
*disclaimer- 97% of statistics are made up.