(A Note From Arlin: This Blog is not written by Andy Anderson... But that's a great pseudonym for now. The person who actually writes this doesn't even know that's the pseudonym. I'll let him/her know though, lol.)
What is the sorcery present behind apple? What kind of black magic deal with the devil did Steve Jobs make with satan himself? The iPhone curse is real. Take, for example, my Monday morning. First off, it’s a Monday. Nice and easy does it, get through the start of the week, get the day rolling, and all is well. Anyways, ya boi (or ya girl. You don’t know who I am. Ha. Bitch.) heads down to the library mid-morning on this fine Monday to go check out a book—Pause on that apple story for a second. Oh my god, when was the last time you checked a book out from the library. Like good lord, what is that sorcery. If some guy named dewey actually came up with that Dewey decimal business, that man is a true sicko. I’m gonna be honest, I haven’t actually checked out a book, like with paper and ink and shit, from an actual library since Selena Gomez was still on Wizards of Waverly Place where she had not yet developed a drug problem and she didn’t get dicked around by Candian pop stars. (Beiber and the Weeknd. Both huge. Both from Canada. Coincidence? Unlikely, Canadians are too damn nice, and apparently their semen features notes akin to maple syrup-hearsay, Cannot confirm.) Anyways, our boy Dewey. Nuts. No idea if they still use the Dewey Decimal system. To be honest, couldn’t care less. But, whatever system the library uses is absolute banana land. There are so many books. Like- so. Many. Books. Throwback to when the Nazis tried to burn like every single book on the planet back in the good ol’ days of the Third Reich. Nice work world dominators, not only did you lose to the damn French, you guys didn’t make a damn dent in the book collection of the world. This is one library, and I swear to god there were enough books to properly educate someone with the worldly knowledge of Borat. Which I guess makes sense, as it is a library. On second thought, I’m not really sure why I’m so surprised about books being in a library. Damn. I need to leave my house more. Let’s leave this ridiculous tangent alone for now though and come back to the iPhone story. So, I’m cruising through the fourth floor of this book emporium trying to find the call number for the book I’m looking for. Then, I spot it. I grab it, and sit down, and in my haste to devour knowledge my phone falls out of my hand. Nbd. It was like 3 feet off the ground and dropped onto carpet. It was in a case with a screen protector. Didn’t think twice. It wasn’t until I picked up it to send a text that I realized my phone looked more like a spiderweb than Charlotte’s web. As in- poof. Dust. Dunzo. Done. So I now, I sit here with probably about a billion micro-glass shards invisibly tearing up my fingertips, and I wonder. It has not yet been a month since Apple’s latest flagship release. My phone went through 3 years, 3 years of abuse. Hurled against walls, dropped in pools, even dropped in someone else’s hurl. Yet it trucked on. Continuing with only minor maladies that made it annoying- say take Snapchat, which cannot be open at the same time as Uber otherwise the screen goes purple and turns off. No matter, I could text, I could call, I could facetime. I was living. Now, Apple comes out here, corporate cock swingin’ like Mandingo on a good dick day, and what happens in the weeks after their Keynote? (Fuck you apple. Keynote is beat and so is pages and no one except for the weird vegans who wear toe rings actually use anything other than fucking MS Word). All of a sudden, I’m going to bet that iPhone’s started spontaneously combusting from being looked at too hard. Some Galaxy note bomb shit. Like Tim Cook calls down to hell to let old Stevie know that the Keynote (ugh) went off without a hitch, and the reincarnation of Mr. Jobs pressed some button to systematically eliminate every iPhone prior to the 8. It’s the way the cycle goes. And, as much as I hate it, one must accept it. Because if you try and fight the man, you have only one ally. And that is Samsung. And no one, not one person—not even starving children of the Sudanese civil war—want green fucking texts. Fact of life. End of discussion.
P.S.- fuck seattle and fuck the Nazis too. Roll pats.