Minute 007

Yeeerrrrrr. We back. Short hiatus to film some vloggy-vlog footage on the Cape, but now that my ass is back in Bostonistan, I figured I'd fire off a little Minute bloggy-blog action. So. Today. It's hot as hell here on the east coast, the kinda of early sticky summer heat that feels nice as hell in mid to late may but is aboutta get reaally old by mid July. It's that walk outside and you feel like your swimming feeling humidity comboed with some bullshit mid 80's. Not that I am complaining about it, I've gleefully sunburned myself to a crisp each and every day basking in this very same weather, all I'm tryna to say is that in a month, people are gonna be salty about it. And target will be sold out of window ac units by then and I will have procrastinated buying one so then ill have to lie on my third floor attic bed while my balls periodically un-glue and re-glue themselves to my inner thighs. Nice mental image eh? Anyways, back to the good stuff. Now that I've given you a weather update, I think this minute should stay in the newsy-news vein. Let's check out what's going on around the world. Apparently people in Europe are flipping out because two knuckleheads in Italy are threatening to undermine the Euro, but thats boring asf. And that's in Europe, which, is like, mad far away. Simultaneously North Korea may be tryna to make peace with the world. Or it could just be an evil plot to blow everyone up at the supposed peace summit. Dark, I know, but could you put it past that little bowl of spicy white rice who thinks he knows how to make a missile? I don't think Kim actually has nukes, (given my vast foreign intelligence knowledge obtained from my covert network of former CIA operatives) but who's to say. In any case, that news is also pretty damn boring. Wanna know something that isn't boring? Well, let's trek a tad south of our fair city to the city of brotherly love, where the 76er's President has been accused of creating burner accounts on twitter and using them to criticize his own players. Brian Colangelo is the president of NBA's Philadelphia franchise, and he allegedly (key word here folks) created a bunch of fake twitter accounts so he could chirp people like Jahlil Okafor and Joel Embiid. His own players. People his organization drafted. That's like a mom making fake facebook accounts in highschool and cyber bullying her own kids. That's some gator shit. (Cuz gators eat their young. Right? Idk I don't think I've ever watched animal planet sober so who knows. But then again, if you're watching animal planet and you are sober, what the fuck are you doing? You get off watching merekats get ripped apart by a pack of lionesses? Sick fuck you are eh buddy. I only watch animal planet if I'm walking around like a bag of fuckin toys. See those lionesses get down on those merekats faster than a girl from dorchester could do it. That shit is lit) Anyways, so NBA guy is being a dick to his own players (probably), but what else is new in the news. OH! Russia. Fuck wait listen to this. There's this Ukranian journalist who everyone thought was dead up until like an hour ago when he just showed up on TV. And explained that he faked his own death in an effort to catch his would be assassin. Like surprise mom! I'll pay you back for the casket! Bruh. Fuck Russia man. And Ukraine. Why can't you guys just die normally like everyone else. Like stay dead. I don't need Russian babushkas perpetuating the idea that zombies or reincarnaiton exists, because it doesen't. One life kid, don't fuck it up. Go do something, or go the fuck home. Sick fucking plan though, that's some Tommy-boy Cruise shit. OH! Speaking of Tom Cruise, I saw Dead Pool 2 the other day. And oh my god, let me tell you. Get the next ticket you can, because I want you to have to suffer and waste the same thirty dollars and 2 hours of your life that I did. What kind of bullshit consensus was made that everyone gave this movie decent reviews? Shit was boring as hell. It was exaclty what you think it is. Explosion, racy joke, big plan, explosion, joke, big plan falls through, new plan, new plan almost fails but gets pulled off at the last second, and suddenly marvel is left with some beat ass new super team of fuckbags that the studio can pump another 3 flicks out of. I fucking hate it. The writing and the lines are good, it's just more of the same deadpool. Which isn't bad. It's just boring. At least I thought so. But I have an IQ of 199 so what is entertaining for mere mortals simply serves to bore the living shit out of me. Saving grace is Reynolds, who is basically a less attractive and more successful version of me. Love him. But fuck his movie. Ok i'm done being mean for the day. This was cathartic as hell. Whoo. Back to the real world. Look at that, you got a news update, a weather update (given you live within 10 miles of me) and movie review all in one article. Take that New York Times. fucking bullshit 10 articles a month without a fee paywall asshats. Yeah. You. NYT. Suck a dick. 


Also, I'm in NYC this weekend. If you see me, I'll dap you up if you can tell me Abraham Lincoln's middle name. Otherwise, be gone scoundrel. 







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