Minute 005

Suh whoooooooop. The written minute number two. Bang bang it's here and we are rolling. So to, to recap the week. Hawaii exploded and a bunch of people flipped out and got mad at us because they thought we were making fun of a horrible situation. Which we were. Which apparently pissed a bunch of people off. Right, I forgot it was my fucking fault that magma decided to start spraying outta the ground like a sorority sister after her eighth shot (her limit is definitely 6.) Excuse me, I know I'm the shit but I definitely don't have those kind of mind control abilities. Like, you want me to make a video and ask you to pray for Hawaii? Like "let's all be really sad and mopey" and "keep Hawaii in your thoughts and prayers." Shoot, I forgot that thinking really hard and being really sad about natural disasters totally makes them go away and saves everyone. Oh wait. I'm not a fucking moron. Shitty situation are abound, might as well try and laugh at the ridiculous absurdity of this beautiful life we have all been granted instead of being bummed out about all the things we can't control. Specifically the things WE CAN NOT CONTROL. Like bruh, if you cannot see the comical terror of a palm tree giving way to 30 foot high lava plume like it's a Rick and Morty cartoon then we cannot be friends. Like that is bananas. I'm not saying it doesn't suck for everyone there, but I can't do much about that. Lemme just grab my fucking spaceship and fly over to Hawaii and rescue everyone. *Realizes Jackson is not Tony Stark* *Oooooooohhhhhh i get it now.* idiots man. Speaking of Tony Stark, have you seen that movie? I know it came out a month ago and I'm crazy late to the bandwagon but I just saw Infinity War the other day and it was certifiably ludicrous. Like Thanos was just "imma snap my fingers" and then *poof* "I don't feel so good." Then boom. Roll credits. (fuck a spoiler alert, figure it out guys it came out a month ago. If i managed to find time to drag my bum ass to the movies so can you.) And the scene where he throws his daughter off a cliff? Like holy psycho you wanna talk about fulfilling a destiny? That is the most dedicated move by a mad titan king I have ever seen. Dude is on the same level as like Johnny Manziel in terms of wildcard ability. Also gotta address the Chris Pratt punching the purple guy in the face right before they got the glove off. Stupid ass Chris Pratt. I liked him better as a lovable idiot in Parks and Rec. Anywho, also, to the 5 asshats who sat behind us, you are all the worst type of people. I'm sorry, I don't need a fucking play by play of your emotions while Spiderman gets turned into a Thanos-time-dust-squares-wtf-why-is-there-no-blood. (Are avengers all made out of cubes or is that just a Thanos thing?) Like lmk. 

 

OK I'm done ranting for the day. Go watch avengers if you haven't. And go save Hawaii if you're still salty.  

 

 


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